Star Wars Battlefront review: The Force is strong while it lasts

It exists in its own world – but what a world that is, a crisply rendered, gloriously soundtracked facsimile of a handful of key Star Wars locations in which to do battle with heroes and villains. Hoth, Endor, Tatooine, Vader, Palpatine, Skywalker, Millennium Falcon – the names alone will be enough to give fans a shiver.

Unlike many modern shooters, Battlefront developer DICE attempts to tell no story bar the ones you write yourself. Nor is the game crammed with dozens of weapons or a complex levelling-up system.

Instead, it presents a nostalgic playground filled with echoes of the original trilogy and invites to you to toy with its box of tricks. And when it works, it works magnificently.

Single-player mode hasn’t much going for it, save to serve as a tutorial for the basic mechanics, to teach you the 12 maps and to introduce the recharging perks system (eg, jetpack, automated gun turret, etc). Kudos, though, for the old-school nod to split-screen enthusiasts who like to game in the same room.

Multiplayer changes everything, with Supremacy mode the standout. Up to 40 players tussle for three control points on the map. It’s thrilling stuff, with some players on the ground, some in aircraft and occasionally an appearance from the likes of Luke or Darth. These superheroes or villains can easily turn the tide of the battle so, thankfully, the power-ups that turn players into one or other are shortlived and relatively scarce.

One mode pits X-Wings versus TIE Fighters in an aerial dogfight but it turns out much less fun than you’d expect thanks to unremarkable handling.

A series of less crowded ground-based fights including 6-vs-6 and 3-vs-3 provide a modicum of variety but nothing tops the sensory overload of the 20-vs-20 Supremacy mode and its close analogue Walker Assault featuring lumbering AT-ATs.

Yet there’s a slight hollowness at Battlefront’s core. The shooting lacks the satisfying precision of, say, Destiny, and the limited number of maps soon becomes overfamiliar.

Given that Battlefront is a close cousin of DICE’s revered Battlefield series, the lack of strategic options ranks as a disappointment. Limited customisation and loadout variety indicate that DICE doesn’t want to alienate a mainstream audience with overcomplication. But the decision limits the game’s long-term appeal.

More maps and modes are promised but, for now, Battlefront proves a shallow though enjoyable romp.

The Nathan Drake Collection review – The maestro of adventure remastered

It’s fitting that almost a year after Microsoft released the Halo: The Master Chief Collection, Sony’s star should get his turn in Uncharted: The Nathan Drake Collection.

In the box you get the original three adventures: Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune; Uncharted 2: Among Thieves and Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception.

Each title has been remastered by Bluepoint Games, who had form with such sacred tasks after successfully delivering revamped versions of God of War, Ico and Shadow of the Colossus.

Booting up the collection is like walking in to a local bar after years of being away. The stories sound familiar, the walls have had a new lick of paint and it soon forces a smile at remembered good times.

Naughty Dog’s now renowned respect for narrative and character development shines from the very beginning of Drake’s Fortune. Nate still has the roguish charm to make him instantly likeable and the effort is extended to the majority of main characters. Each game sets up a story that's easy to get engrossed in and ultimately feel satisfied by.

Bluepoint have done an excellent job making the graphics suitably impressive, at least initially. New textures and lighting effects make an eight-year-old game shine again. There’s a comparative wow factor at first, but it soon begins to fade, limited by the foundation Bluepoint had to build on.

Of the three games, only Drake’s Fortune actually feels like an obvious remaster. There are points where the new textures look great, worthy of a photograph, but around the next corner is a dated particle effect or design decision forced by graphical limitations. Of course, the good news is the other two games look great throughout.

Uncharted 2 was a major progression at its time of release and has taken nicely to the new graphics. As a near-unanimous game of the year winner, Among Thieves’ class still shines through. Both Uncharted 2 and 3 get very close to feeling like native PS4 games and only rare moments of flat textures remind you of the truth.

Bluepoint have made the three games feel like a genuine collection. Combat is more consistent over the trilogy and new animations give the feel that you’re playing with the same character throughout. The bump up to 60fps across the board is a noticeable improvement, adding to the fluidity of affairs.

To add a little spice to the mix, three new modes have been included. Speed Run sets up a timer for certain parts of the game, allowing you to scramble with a purpose across familiar levels. Explorer mode is for players focused on the platforming and story elements, easing off on the combat that can admittedly feel like a chore at times. Finally there’s the addition of Brutal Difficulty mode, providing an extra challenge for players who think they’ve conquered all before.

Additional features include new trophies and a photo mode to capture all those fancy new graphics. Multiplayer modes have been stripped out, but it's a case of good riddance.

While the three new modes certainly allow for a replay without the exact same experience, there’s the slight niggling that there could have been more included. The collection updates the feel of the three games and little more. There’s no ‘making of’ style content or additional service for fans. With Uncharted 4 marking the final game centred on Nathan Drake as a protagonist, chances are the reverential ultimate Uncharted bundle will span the treasure hunters whole career, while this collection is merely bringing PS4 owners up to date on his adventures.

Seems odd to release “The Nathan Drake Collection” while the old boy still has one run in him.

In a time when binge-watching and box-sets rule the roost, it’s good to be able to do the same with games of this quality. This collection allows you to kick back with an old reliable friend that’s not Tony Soprano for once and not feel cheated. The stories are still strong, the set pieces still impressive and the experience enjoyable.

Uncharted: The Nathan Drake Collection gives a new lease of life to three great games. For big fans and those who have never been dazzled by Drake’s cheeky smile, it’s surely a must-buy. For veterans looking for something more, the €74.99 asking price may be too much for a cosmetic makeover, but the collection will still bring at least a smile. You’ve definitely never seen the old boy look so good.

Forza Motorsport 6 review: The new raining champion

The previous instalment impugned Forza’s impeccable credentials with a paucity of courses and cars, not to mention an intrusive microtransaction model. But developer Turn 10 appears to have learned from the backlash and Forza 6 delivers the goods in spades.

Raw numbers don’t make a game but with 450 machines and 26 tracks, Forza 6 doubles the content and restores the franchise to the lofty heights of Forza 4. But the new game goes considerably further, polishing up the visuals to a dazzling sheen, intensifying the handling and introducing a stunning wet-weather system.

Not every one of the 26 tracks had been modelled in the wet but on those that have, the racing changes out of all recognition when the rain comes down. Puddles gather at corners and rivers cross the straights. Just as on a real road, the cars aquaplane and skid dramatically when you hit the water.

Somewhat disappointingly, however, the effect of rain isn’t dynamically modelled. The pools of water always form in the same places and in the same shapes, which detracts from the pleasure of repeated exposure to the elements.

Elsewhere, though, Forza’s thrilling racing stretches across several disciplines – except rally, sadly. New “perk” cards – such as extra grip or more power – modify the challenge from race to race, according to taste. These cards – called “Mods” – require in-game currency earned from skilled racing.

Thankfully, Turn 10 has resisted the temptation for now to sully the perks with microtransactions – but hasn’t ruled out reintroducing some form of grubby money interactions in a future update. Alas, the curse of launch-day DLC does besmirch Forza’s reputation, with no fewer than three packs available already, each with their own exclusive cars.

Nonetheless, what’s on the disc offers a wealth of content and will keep you racing for yonks. An expansive single-player mode includes Stories of Motorsport, which straddles street racing to open-wheelers. Interspersed at regular intervals are Showcase events, which drop you into a random supercar or event that gives you a taste of the high end of motoring.

Best of all in career mode, there’s no more unskippable voiceover from Jeremy Clarkson, though James May and Richard Hammond put in appearances. But you can’t have everything.

Forza 6 isn’t perfect – we’re still waiting for fully dynamic weather, for instance – but with its gorgeous car porn and challenging opponents, it takes console racing to a new level.

Extra screen time 'hits GCSE grades'

An extra hour a day of television, internet or computer game time in Year 10 is linked to poorer grades at GCSE, a Cambridge University study suggests.

The researchers recorded the activities of more than 800 14-year-olds and analysed their GCSE results at 16.

Those spending an extra hour a day on screens saw a fall in GCSE results equivalent to two grades overall.

"Reducing screen time could have important benefits," said co-author Dr Esther van Sluijs.

Activity monitored

The researchers analysed the habits of 845 pupils from schools in Cambridgeshire and Suffolk at the age of 14 years and six months.

The pupils heights and weights were recorded, and they had to wear a physical activity monitor for five days including a weekend.

They were also asked to complete a questionnaire detailing the amount of time they spent on:

homework
reading for pleasure
physical activity
watching TV
playing video games
non-homework time online

The researchers correlated the data with the pupils' GCSEs, taken the following year.

Pupils who did an extra hour of homework and reading performed better than their peers, while extra physical activity appeared to have no effect on academic performance.

On average, the 14-year-olds said they spent four hours of their leisure time each day watching TV or in front of a computer.

The researchers found an additional hour of screen-time each day was associated with 9.3 fewer GCSE points at 16 - the equivalent of dropping a grade in two subjects.

Two extra hours of screen-time was associated with 18 fewer points - or dropping a grade in four subjects.

The results also suggested extra time spent watching TV had the most detrimental effect on grades.

Pupils who put in an extra hour of homework or spent the time reading, did better in their GCSEs, scoring 23 points more than the average.

But even if pupils spent more time studying, more time spent watching TV or online, still harmed their results, the analysis suggested.

Extra time on moderate to vigorous physical activity had no effect on academic achievement.

'Reliable snapshot'

"We believe that programmes aimed at reducing screen time could have important benefits for teenagers' exam grades, as well as their health," said Dr Van Sluijs, of the Medical Research Council's Centre for Diet and Activity Research at Cambridge University.

"It is also encouraging that our results show that greater physical activity does not negatively affect exam results.

"As physical activity has many other benefits, efforts to promote physical activity throughout the day should still be a public health priority."

Lead author Dr Kirsten Corder said the measurements taken on the Year 10 pupils represented "a reliable snapshot of participants' usual behaviour".

She added: "So this is roughly equivalent to two grades lower for one subject, one grade lower in two subjects.

"We followed these students over time so we can be relatively confident of our results and we can cautiously infer that TV viewing may lead to lower GCSE results but we certainly can't be certain."

"Further research is needed to confirm this effect conclusively, but parents who are concerned about their child's GCSE grade might consider limiting his or her screen time."

Dr Corder suggested there could be various reasons for the link, including "substitution of television for other healthier behaviours or behaviours better for academic performance, or perhaps some cognitive mechanisms in the brain".

Fantastic Four Movie Review: It's Not So Fantastic

Let me just save you some money this weekend and tell you not to watch Fantastic Four… or should I say NOT SO Fantastic Four.

It's sad, really. The reboot of Fantastic Four had so much potential. The hype that it built up with its amazing trailer was off the charts, the cast was phenomenal, the CGI was terrific, but somehow it still fell short.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVED the first 45 minutes of the movie. I loved the buildup of the friendships and the characters. I loved the cast. I loved the easy way the story flowed.

I cringed a little by the try-hard way they made the audience laugh, but shrugged it off coz everything else was going pretty smoothly.

In fact, I was so invested in the characters, I almost cried when I saw The Thing and I hated Reed with a passion for a short lil while. But that's when I still loved the movie.

And my gahd, did I squeal when they reached the other dimension. I also died of happiness a little inside when they all got their powers. And then, right after the return of Doom, they lost me. Completely.

Not lost in the sense that I was confused or anything. They kinda just rushed everything after that. Not to mention the fact that the setting was very Terminator Genisys. Except Genisys was better. And that's not saying much.

And the worst part? We waited til the end of the credits with hopes that the after-credits would salvage the movie. THERE WERE NO AFTER-CREDITS. So yeah, that was even more time wasted.

Fantastic Four ruined what could have potentially been a great new beginning for the team. Is it better than the old one? Yeah, I'd say so. I like the darker mood. I like the cast. But they definitely should not have rushed the second half like that.

Is it worth your time and money? I'd say not. Go watch Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation instead. Now THAT's an AMAZING movie. But hey, have I mentioned that I like the cast?

You can buy Paris Hilton virtual goods in Star Girl mobile game

Oh, Lord. Here’s another test for how much celebrity branding the market can take.

Animoca Brands and AID Partners Capital Holdings have launched Paris Hilton virtual merchandise inside the existing Star Girl mobile game.

That’s a pretty smart strategy as it would be a tough job to establish a brand new Paris Hilton game. This way, by putting Hilton’s goods into an existing game with tens of millions of fans, many more people will be able to purchase the Hilton goods immediately.

Star Girl, where girls and women engage in fashion role-playing, has been downloaded more than 65 million times. And now fans will be able to purchase in-game items from the Paris Hilton Collection Vol. 1, or items inspired by Hilton’s own fashion choices. Also included in the game update is Paris Hilton Style, a fashion contest with player voting, and a virtual version of Hilton’s Paris Beach Club.

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The whole package costs $5 in real money. Star Girl is owned by Complete Star, a subsidiary of AID Partners Capital Holdings, a Hong Kong holding company.

Animoca Brands signed a deal in March to license the name and likeness of Paris Hilton, and this deal is the beginning of the commercial enterprises associated with that license. Star Girl is available on iOS, Google Play, and Amazon.

The Vol. 1 collection has five dresses, a pair of sunglasses, and a combo of fishnet stockings and heels. The deal was made possible through Iconicfuture, which matches virtual goods and brands.

Robby Yung, the CEO of Animoca Brands, said in a statement, “We’re very excited to be the first company to develop and deploy in-app purchases using the Paris Hilton brand. By launching branded merchandise in an existing successful game, we can leapfrog the initial download growth phases and obtain valuable usage information for future branding efforts right from the start.”

Paris Hilton said in a comment, “Play Star Girl and try my first-ever collection of virtual items, including some of my dresses, sunglasses, and footwear.”

This Is Mario and Sonic in Unreal Engine 4

Back in March 2015, Epic Games announced that it was dropping the $19 per month subscription fee for Unreal Engine 4 and making the software free for anyone to use. The catch is that when customers ship a game or application, Epic will receive a small 5 percent royalty on gross revenue after the first $3,000 “per product, per quarter.” Thus, Epic Games will only rake in money if the developer makes money.

“Our goal is to give you absolutely everything, so that you can do anything and be in control of your schedule and your destiny,” Tim Sweeney said. “Whatever you require to build and ship your game, you can find it in UE4, source it in the Marketplace, or build it yourself – and then share it with others.”
Recently several videos have popped up on YouTube showing popular video icons in Unreal Engine 4. The first is Aryoksini who uploaded an awesome video of Mario. “All the environment assets were taken from the Unreal marketplace, all the character actions were scripted using blueprints only, all animations were re-created from scratch as well as the PBR ready textures,” the caption reads.

The Mario video is astonishingly beautiful, showing what our favorite plumber could look like in a next-generation game using the popular engine. The video throws Mario in a number of scenarios ranging from a castle interior to the cartoony world Mario has saved over and over to real-world settings such as a kitchen. All the while he’s collecting coins and jumping about in his usual trademark fashion.

In addition to Mario, CryZENx took to YouTube to upload a video featuring Sonic the Hedgehog. The popular SEGA icon is placed inside Unreal Engine 4’s Kite demo, which contains “miles” of green hills. Like Mario, the hedgehog stays true to the official mascot, blazing through rolling plains of grass and jumping at amazing heights. Not only does the demo show what Sonic will look like, but what Unreal Engine 4 can do, and it’s astonishing.

For more information about obtaining Unreal Engine 4, CLICK HERE

League of Legends - The Best Free MOBA Game Online

Is it accurate to say that you are searching for an incredible free MOBA diversion online? Well wowser about League of Legends(LoL). I have now been playing LoL for more than 3 months and I need to say it is one of the funnest computer games I have played yet, and I have played a LOT of computer games.

The reason in LoL is like most other MOBA (multiplayer online fight stadium) amusements. Essentially you join a group of 3-5 players, pick a champion, and afterward battle it out against another group of 3-5 players on a guide where the goal is ordinarily to push your way through the foes barriers and into their base. A diversion by and large takes between 20-40 minutes and on the off chance that you have played a RTS(real time procedure) amusement before then the controls and in-amusement interface will look fundamentally the same to you.

Every champion has diverse qualities, shortcomings, and capacities so there are various potential outcomes when you are picking who to play. A considerable measure of champions additionally have controls that influence different champions so you can even base your champion around supporting whatever is left of the champions on your group. At long last you support your champions measurements by purchasing things amid the match so you get the chance to tweak your champion further and truly help up the zones where you need to be solid in be it resistance, assault, speed, or numerous others.

Computer Games Walkthrough - Methods To Finishing Your Game

Computer games walkthrough describes a particular type of documentation that's accustomed to train a game title player how you can solve or beat a particular video game. Many people take a look at video game walkthroughs as a kind of cheating however, dealing with a walkthrough is perfectly acceptable.

Walkthroughs for games are often produced by amateur game gamers after finishing a particular game. These written guides are frequently then made on the internet for other gamers to see just in case everybody want some assistance in finishing an offer or fixing a particular puzzle.

You will find lots of video game walkthroughs, covering a multitude of games varying from text adventure games, graphic adventure games, as well as puzzle adventure games. Nowadays, video game walkthroughs are mainly employed for computer games which are more complicated for example strategy games and also the popular role doing offers. Computer games that don't require lots of player participation usually just provide its gamers having a solutions to a listing of faq's or Frequently asked questions.

The Hidden Politics of Video Games

Imagine that video games had been invented in the Middle Ages. From dawn to dusk, you have toiled in the fields for your master. Now, curled up next to the smoky fireplace of your flea-infested peasant hut, you turn on your 12th century Xbox and play your favorite game, Call of Chivalry.

Your back is sore and your belly is empty. But playing Call of Chivalry lets you escape into a virtual world where you are hero, not serf. Is your mission to free the oppressed from forced labor and starvation? No, in this game, you fight to uphold the divine right of kings. Your blade draws blood from rebels and rabble-rousers who would dare blaspheme the natural order by giving peasants the right to vote.

Finding the most impactful video games with a higher calling

In front of a smartphone, two players meet. They each grab half the device, preparing to play. But instead of a competitive matchup, they begin to rock and spin the phone, each holding their end of the phone tightly. In a few moments, through awkward giggles, they are twisting and spinning; the game forces them into a clumsy dance.
But mobile game Bounden isn't just about making players feel a little strange while pulling them outside their comfort zones. The unique game is also being honored by the Games for Change Awards (which highlights games that have a particular social impact) as an innovator when it comes to getting players to connect.
See also: Tapping Into the Emotional Side of Video Games: Developing Hope, Healing and Love
"Our digital lives are alienating us rather than connecting us," said Hsing Wei, awards director for Games for Change. "Bounden is seeking to use movement and use the form of play to get people outside their comfort zones and connect in a way that might translate to real life connections."
While Bounden has been honored quite a bit as an innovative mobile title since its May 2014 release, because it uses a smartphone's accelerometer to force partners to move together to complete puzzles, the Games for Change nomination connects that behavior to broader social implications. Wei points out that moving together can cross language and cultural barriers, and instill connections through that awkward intimacy.
The awards are part of the 12th annual Games for Change Festival, a New York-based gathering that focuses on how games can have larger impacts beyond gaming. The festival gathers game creators, researchers and humanitarians to share thoughts on how the medium can stretch beyond the simple ideas of play.
While many games typically associated with this movement focus on hard social issues like poverty, global conflicts or environmental issues, Wei said a game like Bounden can be just as impactful, and its inclusion shows how the thinking behind "games for good" has evolved.
"Bounden touches on empathy and human connection and collaboration and communication, which can also being a traction point for stimulating change or solutions," she said. "As the field is maturing, games are starting to touch on softer personal issues too, like bullying, gender identity and mental health, alongside the traditional ones we've seen."
It's a trend that can be seen in many of the nominees. Other honorees include Skip a Beat, a game that uses a heart monitor as a controller and encourages players to control play by understanding what made their heart rate speed up, and slow down, and Zoo U, a title that helps children learn how to navigate social situations by developing emotional skills that will help in them in the real world.
Of course, the "traditional" social issues are still present this year, but wrapped in even more nuance. Also nominated is This War of Mine, a game that puts players in the shoes of civilians trying to survive as war breaks out in their own country. The game has been commercially and critically successful, and lauded as being sensitive to the plight of real-life refugees, while still creating an engaging game.
What makes a game for change?
The awards are broken down into three categories: "most significant impact," "best gameplay" and "most innovative." The distinctions are important, and play into the history of Games for Change as a movement and as an awards event. (You can see a full list of nominees here.)
Games judged on "most significant impact" had to set their own goals for what that was, and what change they wanted to effect, Wei said. These games had a specific outcome in mind when people played, whether it was for raising awareness or raising money.
The "most innovative" award, which Bounden is nominated for, honors games doing something completely new inside the space, or "even in terms of the type of content it's trying to bring into a Games for Change context," Wei said.
The "best gameplay" award, for which This War of Mine is nominated, was much more about awarding excellence for games that succeeded on more typical video game metrics.
"Gameplay is looking at the degree of polish and functionality and thematic execution and whether it actually playable enough," Wei said. "Is the game something that people would pass along?"
"This category also helped the main tension in our community for several years, especially at the beginning," said Games for Change president Asi Burak. "The main complaint was there was too much emphasis on the impact and the gameplay was lacking. We want to show excellence in both fields."
Sometimes games can succeed in two different award categories, at least in the judges' eyes. Never Alone, a game created by a developer working with a group of Alaskan Native people, is nominated for both awards. The game was an effort to tell a Inupiat (a Native Alaskan group) story from an authentic perspective, but it's also a cooperative game sold on many platforms.
Leading by example
Burak said the most important goal of the awards, and the conference itself, is to inspire more people to create games that fit into any of these spheres. When the awards were first created six years ago, there were very few games that fit this criteria.
"Many people told us there weren't enough games and there is no quality," he said. "Our argument was that it's a bit of a chicken and the egg problem, and if you don't expose and reward the games being done and create a space for the developers, then you might not encourage them enough."
This year, the awards saw more than 150 submissions, which Burak said parallels a bigger shift by the games industry into experimenting with games that cover broader ranges of topics. Last year, the Game Awards — a large, independent award show spun off of cable network Spike's own past ceremony — had an award honoring "games for change." It was won by Ubisoft's Valiant Hearts: The Great War, a game that took a more serious look at the events of World War I and offered players more historical context as they played.
"I hope to think that this is a good trend in the industry, that you have more young designers that want to say things about the world," Burak said. "This new generation looks at games as a tool of expression, and this is how they want to relay ideas."
This year's Games for Change Festival is April 21-25, with some events open to the public. The awards will be held April 22, and passes are still available for purchase.

My awesome trip through a free archive of 'classic' computer games

One of the best things about being a “millennial” is not having to care about anything that existed longer than five seconds ago. Hence the reason why I don’t know who Paul McCartney is and why I have no idea what I ate for breakfast yesterday. Also, if Nicki Minaj doesn’t tweet in the next thirty seconds I will assume she is dead. I’m perfectly “within the demographic”.

So when I found out that the Internet Archive had uploaded over 2,400 free “MS-DOS Games” to its collection, I said holy shit, look at the cute retro style of these things. It’s just like Minecraft if they made it even more retro and also 2D. It’s as if the creators of these “classic” games copied the style of 2011 indie hit Terraria, but like, made some of them adventures and some of them shooters.

Recently, the Guardian asked me to take a look through the collection and pick out my favourites. I cannot wait to give these games seven out of ten while shrugging apathetically. Let’s dig in.

This text parser game seems like a lo-fi ripoff of Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor, a 3D hemo erotic gay orc dating simulator, possibly made by social justice warriors.

Although the software library claims this Lord of the Rings text game was made in 1987, it is clear to me that someone like Braid’s Jonathan Blow probably made it last year to maximise on retro aesthetic cred, perhaps using Twine, an open-source text game engine that it is now fashionable to hate.

Among Shadows of Mordor’s innovations is its impatience with the player. When you don’t input something, the game quite frankly gets on with it without you. This really appeals to the attention deficit part of me while also highlighting what’s wrong with games these days: the controller sits there waiting for your input to slice an orc’s bollocks off when it could just bloody well get on with it itself.


This text adventure also doesn’t patronise the player with any “3D graphics”. Instead, it occasionally displays what looks like a Powerpoint slide of the “artist’s impressions” and the rest of the time you use the “graphics engine of the mind” to fill in Tolkien’s dullard hilltops full of short people.

Rating: I give this short attention span game at least ten selfies out of five Drake/Nicki Minaj fanfics. For you old people that is “quite good”.

PC Gamer called this crap, “certainly the worst [game] starring an overlord who Jabba the Hutt makes a point of forwarding his Weightwatchers pamphlets to when he’s finished laughing”.

Even ignoring the fat-based jokes, Tongue of the Fatman is a 1989 fighting game that is so poorly balanced and unresponsive that it is practically unplayable. You can bet on yourself to earn money and then upgrade yourself if you win, though winning seems unlikely.

However, as a millennial, what appeals to me is the amount of stuff in it. There are about a million exotic and pointless items to purchase to bosh your opponent over the head with, including needle claws, force fields and some sort of electro-balls. It’s exciting. We millennials never get to purchase things because some bankers took all the money.


This game concerns the protagonist, ‘Gewt Ningrich’, running about killing nice things like polar bears (with an uzi), seals (with a club), Greenpeace protesters (with a battleship-mounted gun), and the internet (with some sort of… forcefield?). It says 1997 on it, but that can’t be right because the target of this biting satire is a clueless conservative who hates seals and the internet, and those guys are still around.

In any case this game is very edgy because it is well known that gamers today do not want politics to appear anywhere in their games, so kudos to the developers for actually making a game that seems to try to make both rich old people and entitled young people feel alienated at the same time.


Since I began doing what an arsehole like me might call “travel games journalism”, people keep saying “Where In The World Is Cara Sandiego” to me as if it is a joke a millennial might get. I can finally state that no, I had never heard of Carmen Sandiego before you made the joke, because frankly I only give a shit about selfie sticks and weed.

In actuality, the 1985 detective game Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego, a popular franchise created to teach geography to kids, is quite good. It’s a game of deduction and elimination, and is quite a bit more informative than infamous stabbings-through-history simulator Assassin’s Creed, which usually features only one exotic country at a time: this game boasts many countries. Also, you don’t have to do any stabbing to get to the next plot point, suiting my millennial impatience.

Controversially, Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego stars a woman criminal traditionally depicted in a rather fetching wide-brimmed hat. Recent video games have shown an aversion to giving large narrative roles to women characters, and also a large aversion to giving protagonists such fetching hats. For these reasons, Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was probably a very polarising game back in 1985 and its hero was presumably the Rhianna of the era.

In any case, good work Carmen. Nice hat.


The last in my browser treasure trove is Floor 13, a Richard Branson-funded and sublimely understated turn-based spy game. We cannot really be sure it was not made by current indie darling Lucas Pope, designer of last year’s Papers, Please, but we’ll take the Internet Archive’s word it was made in 1992 by PSI Software Designers.

I suspect it may be more modern than it wants us to notice because in true millennial game designer fashion, it is extremely strident about how the Government Is Evil And Is Running The Media, whilst also entertaining goofy ideas about how probably everything is also run by the Illuminati and/or Total Dicks Who Harsh Everyone’s Buzz.

The idea is that you manipulate democracy so that you can stay in power, checking polls every turn to see how you’re doing. You can do this in a multitude of ways, through surveillance, searches, disinformation, intimidation and infiltration, all of which are little check boxes on a form that remind you how cold and uncomfortable the actual act of giving orders is.

The best thing about this game is that it neatly simulates the detached bureaucracy a totalitarian government would have to put in place to actually control things, making you increasingly aware that this might be why governments recruit such boring rich people.

Happily it does also make you aware that real life Britain would not be so perfectly controllable due to the belligerence of our arsehole citizens. For example, someone would definitely spray-paint a penis on your surveillance van and at least some of your establishment thugs would rather take a tea break or put a bet on a horse than go round and rough up a hoodie.

Actually, it’s quite good for a spreadsheet game.

Rating: I score it two Branson beards out of bangers and mash. You know, because it’s British.

You should check out the amazing yet slightly janky Internet Archive of MS-DOS Games for yourself before evil corporations who hate young people realise they can make actual money selling these products. Keep it dense, yeah? Peace and gaming.